top of page
  • Connor Ewens

10 Wrestling Characters who would be great dads

Between me and you reader, I don't live with my dad anymore. I am thriving and surviving in my mid-20's and I'm rocking it up in my own personal space. While it may be the cool thing to leave home, abandoning your withering family to live it up in the free world, it can get lonely sometimes. Sometimes, you get sad and you cry. Sometimes all you desire is to be cradled in the strong, muscular arms of your dad and feel sheltered away from the cruelties of the world. But what if you don't have a dad? He went to the gas station and never returned? Who will be there to console you? Why your favourite wrestlers of course! Here is a non-exhaustive shortlist of all the best candidates to be your new dad. I think I've chosen a fair selection to cover a lot of bases. Yeah, let's get silly.


10) Mr Perfect

Of course, you want the best dad possible, the dad who is good as everything. Not only do you want your dad to have a handsome flow of luxurious blonde locks, but you want a dad you can brag about to your friends to make yourself feel more accomplished. Perhaps you're sat having a conversation with your friends and that one well-off friend is always talking about how their dad buys them things. You can now one up them with Mr Perfect as your dad, as he is a superior dad in every way. Not only does he play catch with you, but he pitches those balls better than any Major League Baseball player. Not only does he take you and your friends bowling for your birthday, he teams up with you to score strike after strike after strike, completely annihilating your friends. Not only is he more devilishly handsome than your friend's dad's, but he's such a womaniser that he sleeps with your friend's mums, once again displaying how far superior your dad is to anyone else's. He's a real talent you can brag about. Plus, he gives the most perfect hugs and in the end that's all you want from your dad, isn't it?


9) Ted DiBiase

Sometimes, it isn't about how good your dad is physically, although being engulfed in your dad's buff, sweaty arms is all you crave. Sometimes, you just want your papa to be rich beyond your wildest dreams to be able to fund all of your ridiculous spending habits. What's that? You need to replace your old, sticky, worn-out Michael Cole body pillow? This dad will help you. Oh, you want to buy a replica of what you describe as the 'best Championship design ever' the 24/7 championship? This dad will help you. No matter the financial desire, you can always rely on daddy DiBiase to help line your pockets with cash. It comes with a price though, as money always does. Ted is a classy but affectionate dad. He wants to take you out for a fine dining experience including a tomahawk steak, a bottle of the finest red wine before retiring to his fancy home to sit in front of the fire and hold hands. You don't mind though. You pretend to only be doing it for the financial gain, but at this point that is merely a bonus reward. The loving embrace of muscular dad is the real gift here.


8) Raven

If it's not about money and it's not about being a perfect physical specimen, maybe you want something a little different. Someone a bit alternative, a bit out of the ordinary. You spend most of your days alone in your room listening to Linkin Park albums and giving yourself tattoos. You have a burning hatred for the outside world and what humanity has become. You spend your free time posting long threads on twitter about how you were "born in the wrong generation" as well as replying to female celebrities tweets, calling them thots among other things. You're angry at the world, and maybe you're within your right to be. But you need some guidance from your dad. I would suggest Raven would be your perfect dad. He would share a similar ideology to you, so you can stay up all night and vent about how "broken society is". You can bond over the cool grunge & nu metal records you both have, listening to them whilst sharing cigarettes. The most important thing to come out of this though, is what you've secretly been yearning for all this time. You just want to fit in, be a part of something. Why find your own friends when you can hang out with your dad's friends? He organises regular meet-ups with his cool friends where he excessively protests that this is indeed not a cult. You know he's lying but you don't care because you have finally found a sense of belonging in your new adopted family. He's an emotionally distant dad though, so you won't be receiving any warm snuggles from him. However, you have an entire nest of followers to nuzzle into and forget about the harshness of reality.


7) Matt Riddle

What are the 3 things you love the most? That's right. Getting high, riding scooters and saying Bro an unnecessary amount of times. You don't have a certain need achieved or a void in your soul filled. You just want to find the Harold to your Kumar, if Harold was his dad in the movies. Let me set the scene. Your alarm goes off and you slowly get up, upon looking at the calendar you realise what day it is. It's the 20th of April! You check your phone and you have a message from your sweet dad Matt Riddle, "happy 4/20 bro x". It puts a huge smile on your face. He invites you over for a recreational day of marijuana consumption and activities. You do some arts & crafts together, making origami birds and pretending they fly out of your feet. You go for a father-son scoot around the streets and towards a skate park where you practice your scooter tricks, "your tailwhip is legit rad bro" your dad says supportively. You both get the munchies and together you bake some sweet goods, having a mini food fight with chocolate cake batter. As the sun sets you and your new bro of a dad kick back on the sofa sharing a cross-joint, watching 'Mac & Devin go to High School' singing along with love in your heart and red in your eyes. What a dad.


6) Kane

The winter season can be a cruel time if the year. Not only is Christmas around the corner and you're indecisive on what one-use junk you're going to buy for your friends and family, but the harsh temperature drops leave you freezing in the night time. With the ongoing cost of living crisis, it might be hard to maintain a a comfortable level of heating without draining your wallet for all its worth. You're all wrapped up in your Oodie and your collective of poorly-knitted blankets, but you still need a little extra something. That's where your new dad comes in. The devil's favourite demon is a renowned pyromaniac with magical fire powers. You hear the sound of the organ in the dead of night, then 4 ferocious blasts of fire penetrate from your bedposts, illuminating the room and instantly searing the atmosphere. Your house is on fire, but that's okay because it means your dad is here. Sure he's unconventional but he cares in his own way. Now that you're significantly warmer you're able to get comfortable but you're still struggling to sleep, so your dad Kane tells you captivating stories of his past to send you to dreamland. He tells you of the time he set Jim Ross on fire. He tells you of the time he worked at a concessions stand. He talks about his experience with anger management as well as being forced into a mental asylum. He has stories for a lifetime and that's why you love your dad. Not only do you feel safe in the domineering clutches of your big red machine, but he always has an entertaining angle to speak about. Sure he sets fire to your home upon every visit, but you live in in Knox County so he is able to fix you up with another home. What a kind soul.


5) Killian Dain

Some people do have desires. Very specific desires. Very specific desires that teeter the line of being inappropriate. But remember, these aren't your biological fathers. They're just your daddies. Outside of materialistic wants, outside of wanting to show your dad off, there is a real core desire that you have when your looking for a new dad. It's purely physical. You want the comforting embrace of your imposing dad to shelter you from the cold world. Not only that, but you have a specific enjoyment for a very important aspect of your dad. Hair. Lots of it. All over him. Nothing makes you feel quite as fuzzy as the feel of your hand running through the oily hairs of your dad's sternum. Running your hand across the prickly velcro back of your bear of a dad. The joy of burying your face beneath the bristles of your dad's beard. This is not sexual, this is emotional. You don't voice your desires for such an experience, but your new dad Killian Dain knows that this is what you want, and he has what you want in droves.


4) 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin

Everyone loves a badass don't they? What could possibly be cooler than having a badass father figure. An anti-authority, hell-raising S-O-B may not be the perfect role model, but a guy like Steve Austin may be the dad for you. Steve has an edge to him that the other candidates on this list lack. His foul language may offend most people, but you find it hilarious and replicate his behaviour when you're around your peers. His excessive drinking is a problem to his work colleagues, however you think it's great to have a dad who is willing to kick back and sink some beers. You can even pull pranks together, going out into the world and offering cans of beer to people before whipping their ass with a stunner. If you get yourself into some trouble, maybe someone dicks you over or tries to have you run over, don't worry because Steve is the kind of dad who will hold a grudge against them and make their life hell. Expect any of your enemies to either be humiliated on live TV, crushed under a car or just beaten up week after week after week by your badass of a dad. Give me a hell yeah.


3) Shawn Michaels

This candidate comes with two options to fulfill your wildest daddy dreams. You can either have young HBK, or old HBK. Do you want to have a dad that will let you do what you want and partake in any illegal doings? Then you want young Shawn. He's not cool in a badass way but he's that lovable party boy that always knows how to keep the fun going. Don't expect much sleep with him as your dad. Late nights at your local club trying to attract woman, often leading to confrontations with their spouses. Your liver may take a hit with the alcohol and substance usage, but its worth the sacrifice to have such good times with your dad. After those long nights of partying, you can return home with your dad and cuddle up together in the fetal position with a bucket in hand, waiting for the negative side effects to come. Alternatively, maybe you need some responsibility and structure in your life. You don't want a reckless dad no matter how fun he may be, you want a dad who has been through it all and provides the sage advice you need in tough times. You want an older dad, and that's okay. Old Shawn is the guy for you. He's learned valuable lessons from past mistakes and wants to pass them down to you. Maybe you got into a fight with your closest friend, or maybe you had one too many "Sunny days" whilst apart from your partner. Shawn has no judgment, only love and faith that you can learn and grow from your actions. His hugs may not be as strong as they were when he was younger, but the warm love that eminates from them more than makes up for it.


2) Rhea Ripley

After all of this soul searching, maybe you never needed a new dad. You were convinced you wanted a dad, because you need a dominant, tough-loving figure in your life. Someone who will support your achievements but also punish your mistakes. That doesn't necessarily mean you need a dad though. What if all this time you needed a Mami. If so, there is no better candidate than Rhea Ripley. Whenever anything bad happens to you, or if you get a boo-boo on your fingie, mama Rhea will be there to kiss it better and rock you to sleep. However, if you do her any wrong, she will strike with such vengeance that you won't dare to step out of line again. Similarly to having Raven as your dad, having Rhea as your mami comes with some extra friends. Uncle Finn & Uncle Damian are a pair of cool dudes who will probably teach you strip poker. Then there's little Dom, who will probably cry and moan about all of the attention mami is giving you. A true happy family.


1) Social Outcasts

What if you're greedy? What if one dad just isn't enough for you? Neither is two. You want a full squad FULL of dad's at your disposal for all of your needs. Well I have good news for you because I have a gang of four lovely fellas willing to co-parent and be your daddies. The Social Outcasts are made up of Heath Slater, Curtis Axel, Bo Dallas & Axl Rose. A great combination of characters to fulfill any and all of your deepest dreams and desires. Heath is the cool dad, he will show you his collection of Led Zeppelin vinyls whilst talking about how much better life was back in the ol' days. He's a strict parent but he makes up for it with anecdotes and his rad air guitar skills. Curtis is the dopey father. He's not all there completely, asking silly questions and not really having a clue what's going in most of the time. It means that you can usually so what you want around him, throw parties and break the law just as long as you convince him its fine. Not a hard thing to so. Daddy Dallas is the most supportive of the group but he comes across a little intense sometimes. Hearing "BO-lieve" a minimum of 3 times a day doesn't sound awful now, but it does wear you down over time. However he will have your best interests at heart, and when you succeed he will be the first to run laps around the house. Then we have Axl Rose, the wildcard of the dads. He's not a great role more by any means with his excessive party boy lifestyle and irrational hatred for bunnies. However, he adds a bit of flavour that the other dad's don't seem to have much of. He also provides great stories to cheer you up when your feeling down. Individually they're all great candidates, but all together as a unit they make the perfect dad team. The best part is being at the very core of a 5-person snuggle cuddle, all wrapped up amongst the meat and veins of your lovely dads. Now that is what dreams are made of.


Thank you for reading, I hope I gave you some good options for a father figure in your life. I'm sorry this list is so silly. Until next time. Toodles.

Recent Posts

See All

10 wrestling facts to impress your friends

We all love a bit of wrestling trivia don't we? Being able to meet up and hang out with you fellow squared circle lovers and drop some surprising wrestling knowledge to make them go "wow, how interest

Comments


bottom of page